Interesting article. However, loser, when referred to in the context of the male gender, has a meaning beyond how you have defined it. The loser also means good for nothing, and that has a certain connotation attached to it, and many of the Twitter responses are triggered by it. It does reveal male insecurity, as you have pointed out, and the performance of manhood, but more in reference to not being able to conform to the ascribed role of provider, which is more like a cross than a blessing. Also important to acknowledge that once men can provide, they justify refusing the emotional labor required in making a marriage work.
I agree with most of what you have said here except one significant point. A human being who can’t differentiate between how to love a good vaccum cleaner from a whole human being IS indeed a monster. Both men and women do that in various ways and that is the foundation of what we all “extractive relationships” that drain one and the other sits on a throne of unearned entitlement.
This was a sharp, uncomfortable read, in the best way.
As a 21Y M, I’m still figuring things out, but this gave me a framework I didn’t know I needed. Especially the idea that you can’t out-love structural flaws. Feels like something worth understanding early, before life makes the lesson expensive. Thank you as always harnidh. Appreciate you writing this. :)
hahaha! this was a truly incredible article, Harnidh. Thank you for your curiosity, persistence, and eloquence from research to article. I feel like this is advice I keep hearing from the wise women in my life too: don't pick a loser. Pick a winning horse. Someone stable and set.
On a personal level, sometimes I question my own fitness for marriage--though it's something I deeply desire. I've always wanted to be a mother and build a family, but when I look back at my failed relationships, I sometimes see: I was the problem. And, sometimes, in evaluating my current relationship issues, I find it hard to discern: what's mine, what's his, and what's ours.
The defining questions in your article live rent free in the back of my mind through every relationship I'm in, while I'm also just trying to love like a human. And then I sometimes find myself in a spiral of relationship anxiety and not-knowing.
I love your article for focusing on the particular problem that ails the majority of society as a whole. Women MUST reclaim our power in relationships. The data doesn't lie. Marriage benefits men more than women. However, I'm likewise curious how married men would answer this question.
My parents have been married for almost 30+ years. My dad loves the shit out of my mom, and he's said that when he was making his decision, something he liked about her was that she was stable.
Marriage is the biggest decision in life, so, of course, it's normal for me to ruminate my way through my love life, evaluating every partner like a pony. Are their teeth good? Strong kick? Good bones? And, still, I find clarity elusive. And, sometimes, I think my own character flaws create more confusion in the way two people rub up against one another.
Again, I really really love this article. That said, it does feel one-sided. That's necessary in our culture today, but true feminism is also about equality. Once with my winning horse, how can I be a winning horse? NAY! (Sorry, pun intended, I'm so annoying.) But nay!!!! How can I be a winning horse before meeting a winning horse?
and also its next to impossible to apply population studies to your own life, even tho such a small size itself doesnt help the argument in the first place.
in terms of life situations, everyone's context is extremely unique to them.
Everything in this article is refreshingly research-backed. The reasoning chains are very well thought through. Can only imagine the amount of effort that went into this.
These days young professionals (Both men and women) in their late 20's and 30's are extremely frustrated and tired. They are still stuck in early career roles or learning the hard truth about middle management - on one end the people reporting to them are gen z who demand work life balance or they just are expected to use AI (meaty work + lots of grunt work in lieu of 3 employees) and on the other hand have bosses like L&T uncles who think even Sundays off are a luxury. I think finding a man these days who is sane about his work and yours is like finding a unicorn. Maybe you can add one more adjective to your 'not loser' category- someone who is content with what is, what he is and all that life will ever be.
Interesting read thanks for writing on this. Just curious- im sure you were aware that you'd recieve a flurry of rage-laced responses when you dont clarify or provide further reading material on what a "loser" meant on your initial Twitter post. So why do it?
Women all responded with ‘how do you define a loser?’ and men all responded with ‘you are fat and ugly’. If you don’t see a problem there I don’t know what to say lol.
On point, but there’s also a female version of the loser. I think the common factor between both is an obsession with the acquisition and maintenance of status.
At first, this piece triggered me. Once I got over that, I realized this piece also contains good advice for men: don't marry a woman whose career, whose choices, whose character you don't deeply respect. Otherwise it will be impossible to make sacrifices for one's wife with a positive attitude, and you will become the loser.
Eye-opening! I’d love to look at the individual data and advice from these women. How do you spot a loser early on?
Agree - I found it frustrating this is an article to help women but very much lead with a bunch of cruel things men said.
Interesting article. However, loser, when referred to in the context of the male gender, has a meaning beyond how you have defined it. The loser also means good for nothing, and that has a certain connotation attached to it, and many of the Twitter responses are triggered by it. It does reveal male insecurity, as you have pointed out, and the performance of manhood, but more in reference to not being able to conform to the ascribed role of provider, which is more like a cross than a blessing. Also important to acknowledge that once men can provide, they justify refusing the emotional labor required in making a marriage work.
Very well written. As a married man, parts of this made me horribly uncomfortable.
The greatest compliment! 😅
I agree with most of what you have said here except one significant point. A human being who can’t differentiate between how to love a good vaccum cleaner from a whole human being IS indeed a monster. Both men and women do that in various ways and that is the foundation of what we all “extractive relationships” that drain one and the other sits on a throne of unearned entitlement.
This was a sharp, uncomfortable read, in the best way.
As a 21Y M, I’m still figuring things out, but this gave me a framework I didn’t know I needed. Especially the idea that you can’t out-love structural flaws. Feels like something worth understanding early, before life makes the lesson expensive. Thank you as always harnidh. Appreciate you writing this. :)
Would love to read the flipside. 30 men about their marriages
Talk to them, put in the work to research, and write? 🤷🏻♀️
That was quick 😂. And fair argument. Didn't mean this as an affront, if you thought so. I thought you are interested in topic hence suggestion.
Apologies for the defensiveness, men have been saying ‘but what about men???’ to me for the last 24 hours 😅😅😅
hahaha! this was a truly incredible article, Harnidh. Thank you for your curiosity, persistence, and eloquence from research to article. I feel like this is advice I keep hearing from the wise women in my life too: don't pick a loser. Pick a winning horse. Someone stable and set.
On a personal level, sometimes I question my own fitness for marriage--though it's something I deeply desire. I've always wanted to be a mother and build a family, but when I look back at my failed relationships, I sometimes see: I was the problem. And, sometimes, in evaluating my current relationship issues, I find it hard to discern: what's mine, what's his, and what's ours.
The defining questions in your article live rent free in the back of my mind through every relationship I'm in, while I'm also just trying to love like a human. And then I sometimes find myself in a spiral of relationship anxiety and not-knowing.
I love your article for focusing on the particular problem that ails the majority of society as a whole. Women MUST reclaim our power in relationships. The data doesn't lie. Marriage benefits men more than women. However, I'm likewise curious how married men would answer this question.
My parents have been married for almost 30+ years. My dad loves the shit out of my mom, and he's said that when he was making his decision, something he liked about her was that she was stable.
Marriage is the biggest decision in life, so, of course, it's normal for me to ruminate my way through my love life, evaluating every partner like a pony. Are their teeth good? Strong kick? Good bones? And, still, I find clarity elusive. And, sometimes, I think my own character flaws create more confusion in the way two people rub up against one another.
Again, I really really love this article. That said, it does feel one-sided. That's necessary in our culture today, but true feminism is also about equality. Once with my winning horse, how can I be a winning horse? NAY! (Sorry, pun intended, I'm so annoying.) But nay!!!! How can I be a winning horse before meeting a winning horse?
Any advice?
i think there would be a better word in the vocab had you provided context.
it was a deliberate ragebait. The word has nothing to with what you explained.
and also its next to impossible to apply population studies to your own life, even tho such a small size itself doesnt help the argument in the first place.
in terms of life situations, everyone's context is extremely unique to them.
Everything in this article is refreshingly research-backed. The reasoning chains are very well thought through. Can only imagine the amount of effort that went into this.
woah, should be a memo that every woman should read
I bet this is true the other way around. Maybe a sequel on what defines a loser woman?
Someone should write it 🤷🏻♀️
could you provide sources for all these studies?
These days young professionals (Both men and women) in their late 20's and 30's are extremely frustrated and tired. They are still stuck in early career roles or learning the hard truth about middle management - on one end the people reporting to them are gen z who demand work life balance or they just are expected to use AI (meaty work + lots of grunt work in lieu of 3 employees) and on the other hand have bosses like L&T uncles who think even Sundays off are a luxury. I think finding a man these days who is sane about his work and yours is like finding a unicorn. Maybe you can add one more adjective to your 'not loser' category- someone who is content with what is, what he is and all that life will ever be.
Interesting read thanks for writing on this. Just curious- im sure you were aware that you'd recieve a flurry of rage-laced responses when you dont clarify or provide further reading material on what a "loser" meant on your initial Twitter post. So why do it?
Women all responded with ‘how do you define a loser?’ and men all responded with ‘you are fat and ugly’. If you don’t see a problem there I don’t know what to say lol.
Eye opening essay!
On point, but there’s also a female version of the loser. I think the common factor between both is an obsession with the acquisition and maintenance of status.
At first, this piece triggered me. Once I got over that, I realized this piece also contains good advice for men: don't marry a woman whose career, whose choices, whose character you don't deeply respect. Otherwise it will be impossible to make sacrifices for one's wife with a positive attitude, and you will become the loser.