Erma Bombeck famously said, "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." I looove your list (I had one too) but the only fly in the ointment is that people change, circumstances change. Sometimes all at once. And not all bad either. You can frame this list with answers from both parties as a cute memory. Financial, autonomy and health related realities discussed is practical. Doubt honest thoughtful answers before equates what will actually happen after.
Ms Maammmmmmmm!!! Thank you for your service 🙏. I had a similar list going on my phone. Two things I also wanted to point out from my past relationship for ladies who are reading this....
What does vacation / travel mean to you. Ideal setup, Luxury/ Budget friendly/ Rustic who does the booking, how much are we compromising on budgets/stays. Who pays/ splits expenses?
What does chilling at home together mean to him ( if that's of any importance to the reader). If he's running away to meet his boys or pickle/padel the second he gets home ( and finishes dinner). You'll very soon feel like his mother asking why he wants to go out as soon as he's home .
Some of these questions will be answered throughout the course of the marriage, and some of these questions can only be answered once you are married. A solid list, although I would respectfully disagree with #50 with how he talk about is ex’es. Sometimes the relationship may have been so bad or the fit so poor that there will not be any carry-over so folks may want work with a clean-slate when finding a prospective spouse. Acknowledging that the other has had ex’es and previous relational experiences is enough IMO.
Oh, I have been having a similar list on me as well. Sometimes I'd wonder to myself if I am "overthinking" or "reading too much into it", but then, I remember I have seen too many women in my life postpone the uncomfortable conversations and it did not go well. It's a family my children will be born into, one I will be living with the rest of my life; we can never be too careful with it. All that said, we'll never get it all right perfectly. But this is a good place to begin.
I do have a few things to add to this:
. Medical tests before the wedding (fertility tests, thalassemia, HIV/STDs, Hepatitis B, C, immunity etc.,)
. Financial goals (the big and the small ones - kids' education funds, travel, buying a home etc)
I definitely loved this piece so much! It was rather extensive and necessary.
Can I tell you how much mental gymnastics this has saved me?!?! You’re absolutely right about how most men will immediately respond to any questions related to equality in marriage as “yes” but how when you probe them something new will come up.
If I ask him these questions and if I happen to not like any of his answers, even then my family won't allow me to leave him, they will say it's not that serious.
Erma Bombeck famously said, "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." I looove your list (I had one too) but the only fly in the ointment is that people change, circumstances change. Sometimes all at once. And not all bad either. You can frame this list with answers from both parties as a cute memory. Financial, autonomy and health related realities discussed is practical. Doubt honest thoughtful answers before equates what will actually happen after.
Ms Maammmmmmmm!!! Thank you for your service 🙏. I had a similar list going on my phone. Two things I also wanted to point out from my past relationship for ladies who are reading this....
What does vacation / travel mean to you. Ideal setup, Luxury/ Budget friendly/ Rustic who does the booking, how much are we compromising on budgets/stays. Who pays/ splits expenses?
What does chilling at home together mean to him ( if that's of any importance to the reader). If he's running away to meet his boys or pickle/padel the second he gets home ( and finishes dinner). You'll very soon feel like his mother asking why he wants to go out as soon as he's home .
God! I love being single ❤️
An excellently curated list!
I’m convinced no man on earth can pass this test haha
Some of these questions will be answered throughout the course of the marriage, and some of these questions can only be answered once you are married. A solid list, although I would respectfully disagree with #50 with how he talk about is ex’es. Sometimes the relationship may have been so bad or the fit so poor that there will not be any carry-over so folks may want work with a clean-slate when finding a prospective spouse. Acknowledging that the other has had ex’es and previous relational experiences is enough IMO.
Oh, I have been having a similar list on me as well. Sometimes I'd wonder to myself if I am "overthinking" or "reading too much into it", but then, I remember I have seen too many women in my life postpone the uncomfortable conversations and it did not go well. It's a family my children will be born into, one I will be living with the rest of my life; we can never be too careful with it. All that said, we'll never get it all right perfectly. But this is a good place to begin.
I do have a few things to add to this:
. Medical tests before the wedding (fertility tests, thalassemia, HIV/STDs, Hepatitis B, C, immunity etc.,)
. Financial goals (the big and the small ones - kids' education funds, travel, buying a home etc)
I definitely loved this piece so much! It was rather extensive and necessary.
Now create one for the other party… always takes two to tango… life unfolds at its pace …
Try as hard as you will, he will flip after marriage.
You obviously will not change.
Can I tell you how much mental gymnastics this has saved me?!?! You’re absolutely right about how most men will immediately respond to any questions related to equality in marriage as “yes” but how when you probe them something new will come up.
I needed this 8 years ago!
If I ask him these questions and if I happen to not like any of his answers, even then my family won't allow me to leave him, they will say it's not that serious.