Girlie to Girlie: Wait, Am I Being Financially Gaslit?
Because manipulation isn’t always loud.
Sometimes, it sounds like “you’re overreacting” or “you just don’t understand money.”
This isn’t about someone screaming at you or emptying your bank account overnight. It’s quieter. Slicker. The slow erosion of your confidence around money, until you stop trusting yourself. Welcome to the soft underbelly of power dynamics: financial gaslighting.
If you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting clarity around your own money, or doubted yourself for asking completely normal questions about what’s being done with your income, you might be in it. And no, it’s not just a “women’s issue.” This happens to everyone. Yes, even you, Ravi-from-Reddit.
What Is Financial Gaslighting?
Financial gaslighting is when someone manipulates your perception of money, finances, and control until you start thinking you’re the problem. It’s the kind of mind game where you’re made to feel irrational, greedy, or naive just for wanting to know where the money’s going.
It can sound like:
“You’re being paranoid.”
“You wouldn’t understand, it’s too complicated.”
“Stop overthinking. Just trust me.”
At its core, it’s not about money. It’s about control over decisions, over freedom, over your sense of competence. And it’s especially hard to spot when it hides behind love, tradition, or ‘what’s best for you.’
It Happens Across Genders, But Our Culture Makes It Worse
Anyone can be a victim. This is not gender-exclusive.
Parents can gaslight adult children.
Kids can manipulate their elderly parents.
Spouses can do it to each other.
Bosses can play this game too.
But in India, it thrives because of how we’re raised. Because obedience is coded as love. Because we’re taught that asking questions = disrespect. Because we’ve been fed the myth that financial transparency means distrust.
Filial Piety Is Not a Free Pass for Financial Abuse
“Respect your elders.”
A beautiful value, until it’s weaponized. In Indian households, duty isn’t just expected, it’s enforced. And if you’re not careful, you’ll spend your entire financial life repaying an emotional debt you didn’t choose, and were never asked about.
Think:
Being told to deposit your full salary into a joint account “like your cousin did.”
Being guilted for wanting to save instead of funding your sibling’s wedding or your father’s EMI.
Being labeled ungrateful because you dared to ask, “What’s the plan for the future?”
If you’re nodding, yep. Same boat. Same storm. This isn’t rebellion. It’s basic self-preservation.
Patriarchy Means Some People Never Have To Explain Themselves
“Why should she know? He’s the head of the family.”
Indian patriarchy doesn’t just decide who gets the money. It decides who gets to ask about it.
It’s in:
Mothers being kept in the dark about family assets.
Wives getting a monthly ‘budget’ while the rest is stashed away.
Daughters told to “stay out of it” while sons are taught to invest by 17.
The worst part? Most of us don’t even question it. We’ve internalized this hierarchy and called it “tradition.”
When “Tradition” Becomes the Alibi
Dowry. Rakhi gifts. House ceremonies where the eldest brother signs off on money matters. These things aren’t automatically abusive, but when they become tools to deny someone financial agency, they become a tradition that turns toxic.
Let’s stop pretending every “ritual” is sacred. Some of them are just poorly disguised systems of control with guilt-tripping built in. If a custom requires you to stay silent, sacrifice, or surrender without consent, it’s not culture. It’s coercion.
Why It’s So Damn Hard to Spot (Especially in India)
Because it doesn’t feel like abuse. It feels like:
Being a good son.
Being a selfless daughter.
Being a trusting spouse.
Financial gaslighting works best when it’s wrapped in affection. That’s why so many of us stay stuck in the fog for years. When you finally dare to name it, people will say:
“Are you saying your parents are abusing you?”
“Don’t disrespect your husband like that.”
“You think your boss is stealing from you? Grow up.”
So you shrink. You doubt. You silence yourself. Again.
But here’s the truth:
Love without respect is just control.
Tradition without consent is just coercion.
And family without boundaries is just dysfunction dressed up as loyalty.
How To Tell If You’re Being Financially Gaslit
Here’s your gut-check list. Save it. Return to it. Run it in your head when something feels off:
You feel anxious or guilty every time you talk about money.
You’re told you’re “bad with money” but never given a chance to learn.
You’re discouraged from having your own bank account.
You’re mocked for asking about savings, investments, or plans.
Your money is being used, but you’re not allowed to ask where or how.
You’re constantly blamed for financial issues you didn’t cause.
Sound familiar? You’re not crazy. You’re being manipulated. Let’s get you out.
What To Do: A Mini Survival Guide
1. Start Writing It Down
Gaslighting thrives in vagueness. Clarity is your weapon.
Track every time something financial feels off.
Screenshot texts. Save receipts. Keep a log.
Start a “WTF is happening with my money?” folder in your Notes app or Google Drive.
2. Separate Some Money, Quietly if Needed
This isn’t betrayal, it’s self-preservation.
Open a solo account. Even a ₹500/month auto-transfer helps.
Keep passwords private.
Don’t tell everyone until you feel safe.
3. Ask Questions, Even If They Hate It
Ask with kindness. Insist with calm.
“Can we go over the budget together?”
“I’d like to learn more about our investments.”
“Let’s align before any big purchases.”
If they get defensive? That’s data. You’re not the problem.
4. Talk to Someone You Trust
You’re not crazy. You’re isolated. That’s by design.
Share what’s happening with a friend, mentor, or therapist.
Say: “I think I’m being financially manipulated.”
Let someone remind you: you’re not overreacting.
5. Build a Financial Go-Bag
Like a fire drill, but for your autonomy.
Update your resume. Keep it ready.
Back up ID proofs, payslips, account access.
Learn basic financial literacy: budgeting, interest rates, taxes.
If possible, diversify your income sources.
If this feels intimidating, here is a super simple Notion template for you to follow: Is This Gaslighting or Just Gross?
You Are Allowed to Know Where Your Money Goes
You don’t owe blind trust to anyone.
Not your parents. Not your partner. Not your boss.
You owe transparency to yourself.
And you owe it to every younger version of you who was told they weren’t smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough to understand money.
Money is power. If someone wants you to stay powerless? That’s not love. That’s leverage.
You can love them. And still reject the manipulation.
You deserve to know. You deserve to ask. You deserve to decide.
If no one’s told you that before, let this be the first time.
Love,
Harnidh x
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